The Dating Game

Friends. How does one find them...especially as an adult? There is something to be said for children; they seem to befriend and be befriended where ever they go. Whether it is on the playground, in the neighborhood or at school, kids seem to naturally gravitate towards the other little people around them. Language, skin color and gender are all but irrelevant when it comes to making friends. These friendships come fast and furious; on more than one occasion Sidney has gone to a playground and left with an invitation to go home with another child or he himself has issued such an invitation to a virtual stranger. Many of these friendships peter out as quickly as they came on but others last much longer and become what I would consider true and lasting relationships.

So how do adults make friends? Instead of playgrounds we have offices and work spaces where we spend the day toiling alongside co-workers. We have the gym, volunteer activities and perhaps neighbors that provide us with opportunities to meet and interact with other adults. We may or may not have anything beyond work or a shared location in common with our adult peers and are apt to enter into relationships with other adults with a world weary skepticism. Sometimes we click and other times we don't; peers may become friends, remain acquaintances or be moved onto the do not call list. Add in the transient nature of military families, where everyone is always coming and going, and the whole process becomes speed dating since time is so limited.

But because life tends to come full circle, the playground still does come into play when it comes to adult friendships. Enter the parents of your children's friends. Anyone who is a parent knows what I'm talking about; the other adults who sit on the benches along the soccer field, hold the coats and bags while counting down the remaining minutes of play at the playground and stand in the hallways at school waiting for dismissal. Small talk usually ensues and sometimes full fledge conversations develop since these are the people you (at least I do) see day in and day out on a routine that is predictable as the week itself. Sometimes I find myself looking forward to and hoping a particular parent will be there while other times my thoughts drift in the opposite direction. And it all moves forward from there.

Life is like a dating game. There are the fellow parents you want to see and those you want to avoid. There are the ones who you only see in the hallway and those that you invite out for coffee after drop off is complete. You tentatively ask your child about a potential friend's child to see if a spark of friendship between the children exists. It is disappointing when it doesn't and I wonder how much prodding of that relationship I should do with the selfish hopes of making my own friend. If there is the potential, play dates between the kids come next while the parents chaperone and forge their own relationships. If all is successful, with fingers crossed, spouses are introduced into the mix, with the overarching hope that we all get along.  Sometimes the child is the one to introduce the play date and us parents (usually the mothers) do our own tentative feeling of each other out with our common bond being our children. I've found that this approach is just as apt to be met with success as it is with failure. The kids get along but the parents might as well be speaking different languages. 

But sometimes it all does work out and when it does it is a wonderful thing. I've met some of my closest friends because of my son's own friends. We've gotten together individually and as families and all enjoyed our time together. These parents become legitimate emergency contacts and even though we may not have known each other for years it feels as though we have. But because we are all military families we know our time is fleeting. If we are lucky we've clicked at the beginning of our tours rather than at the tail end. If not we take advantage of the remaining time we have. 

With each new friendship, however I am repeatedly reminded of how important friends really are. And because of that I vow to take a few cues from my son's approach to making friends--if I see someone I think I might like I need to go for it. Even if I am on the fence I should take the plunge anyway since you never know what lies beneath an appearance and the commonalities we might share. See, it really is like a dating game. If you don't take a chance you have everything to lose while if you do jump in you can emerge a winner.

Playground Politics

Who knew being a pre-schooler could be so complicated? If Sidney is to be believed, each school day is filled with the dramatics of new friendships being made and just as quickly broken, toys being shared and hoarded with equality. Dragons, zombies, and Star Wars Jedi frequently join in the games with a "chicken man" (I have no idea what this even is) making rarer appearances. This is the most common narrative I hear each afternoon during the car ride home from school. I also get to hear about who was good or really bad on any particular day, which child had an unfortunate accident in their pants, and who ate what for snack--smiley face cookies are the latest culinary trend amongst the four-year-old set. And Sidney isn't alone in sharing these tales. Amidst the hustle and bustle of collecting book bags and coats, Sidney's classmates are quick to tell me what Sidney did or didn't do during the day. According to them, often confirmed by his teacher, and by Sidney's own later admission, Sidney is quick to delegate who is a good guy or a bad guy on the playground, he has a tendency to covet other's toys, and does not like to eat his soup at lunch. A few weeks ago Sidney went through a scratching and poking phase, again confirmed by all three of my above mentioned sources and is a mischievous kid but overall he is adjusting pretty well to school. As a parent I should be happy but I have a little nagging voice that keeps whispering in my ear............

Between a four year old's tales, a teacher who speaks minimal English, and adjusting to the cultural norms of a Belgian school environment where some behaviors appear to be more permissible than in American schools, I'm not always sure what is going on during the day. A few non-American parents have muttered to me that the classroom is out of control and by the teacher's own admission there are several "trouble makers" in the class. (Other than the incident with the poking and scratching I have been assured that Sidney is not causing the problems. Knowing my son, however, I am still a bit skeptical....). And I can see that there are problems. Out of the twenty children, thirteen are boys. I can't even imagine having that many four year olds in one classroom............. Since day one Sidney has been coming home and reciting to me the trouble a couple of children cause each day. I've seen them in action with my own eyes so I don't completely doubt his narratives. But these are the same children whom he claims to be friends with so I just don't know what is going on. When Sidney complains about the things they say or do we encourage him to play with other children. If they bother him at lunch we encourage him to sit with other kids; if they break his crayons we tell him to color with other children. The list of options go on but who knows if he follows through since on any particular day he may or may not be friends with them. I have quickly correlated their absences from school with Sidney having better, more well behaved days.

But over the course of this past week things seem to be getting worse. Sidney informed me that he spilled one particularly precocious girl's soup on her at lunch because she was bothering him. (Ironically enough, the ringleader of all of them seems to be this girl). I asked him why he was even sitting next to her and he said because she told him to sit there. On Wednesday of this week a little boy kicked Sidney in the nose while they were on the playground. Sidney never said anything to me about it and I only learned of the incident when the teacher asked me if he was alright the next morning. When I questioned Sidney about it he said that the troublesome girl had told the boy to do it. And then yesterday I arrived at school to find Sidney in tears because the said girl had punched him in the chest. (Sidney later claimed he had taken her toy but two wrongs do not make a right). He has a bruise this morning that attests to the punch. The teacher is aware of all of this and is pulling parents in for conversations after school. (We were the recipients of such conversations during the scratching and poking period). She tells me that Sidney is generally well behaved but that there are just problem children in the class. In one breath Sidney tells me that he isn't friends with these children any more and will stay away from them but in the next breath he says they are his friends. I just don't know what to think.

To top it all off Sidney was invited to this child's birthday party next weekend. The entire class was invited but I am torn as to whether or not I want my son to attend. At first Sidney said he didn't want to go but then he did. And then he didn't but now he is unsure. I need to R.S.V.P. soon. Glenn says attending would be a good opportunity to see these children, and their parents in action. I wonder whether this child even wants Sidney there. After all, the entire class was included in the invitation but I know all too well from experience, that many times invitations are only issued as a courtesy and it just so uncomfortable when invitees don't understand that. (We don't want to be those people). But then again we are talking about four and five year olds so does it even matter? But it probably does. After all, their playground politics seem to give real world issues a run for their money.