Bully

Bully:  A blustering brow beating person; typically one who is habitually cruel to others who are weaker*

October is National Anti-Bullying month.  It is important to bring attention to this growing national crisis but this designation also begs the question of how did bullying become such an epidemic in our society that it warrants an awareness month?  

It feels as though with increasingly frequency we hear about bullies in the news.  The latest (to me) was the heartbreaking story of a twelve year old Lakeland, Florida girl who took her own life after being tormented and harassed by her peers for over a year.  In August it was a fifteen year old Connecticut boy and in February it was a Rutgers University freshman. This is just a sampling of the tragic examples of the victims of bullying and sadly the list just goes on.  All of these young adults, and in many cases children, had been tormented, verbally abused, and humiliated by peers until they felt as though they just couldn't take the treatment any longer. What is it about our society that allows this behavior to be so prevalent that national newspapers and magazines have repeatedly written articles on the subject?  And because the problem appears to be all too common, why are we as a society not doing more to prevent these abusive treatment from occurring in the first place?

First a few facts about bullying courtesy of the National Association of School Psychologists and the American Medical Association:

• Bullying is the most common form of violence in our society with between 15% and 30% of American students either being bullied by others or being bullies themselves.  This equates to 3.7 million perpetrators and 3.2 million "victims".
• Direct, physical bullying increases in elementary school, peaks in middle school, and declines in high school.  Verbal abuse, including cyber-bullying, remains constant throughout the years.
• 25% of teachers see nothing wrong with bullying or put downs and consequently intervene in only 4% of bullying incidents.
• 65% of American adults report having been bullied in the work place.

As a mother and as a member of society, these facts scare me.  All too often, in response to suggestions that bullying is occurring I hear the phrase "kids will be kids" as though perpetuating this behavior is a right of passage.  Yes kids will be kids, but when the fine line is crossed between innocent childhood behavior and aggressive abuse, tragedy often ensues.  When does name calling and teasing on the playground move from kids play to verbal bullying?  Physical bullying, the repeated pushing, shoving, and fighting is relatively easy to recognize but how about the middle school behavior of socially snubbing, excluding others, and spreading rumors?  And then there is the (relatively) recent trend of cyber bullying that can invade every aspect of one's life.  As was the case with the Florida girl cited above, she tried to avoid her cyber tormentors but short of cutting herself off from the entire world, was unable to avoid them.  

But bullying behavior isn't limited to children and teens.  Often I see parents, grown adults who should know better, exhibiting bullying behavior.  It might be in the form of being overly aggressive on the sidelines of the sports field, spreading rumors about a fellow parent at the PTA, or even being a bully in the workplace.  There was the news headline a few years ago about the hockey dad who beat another father to death at a middle school hockey game.  I'm willing to bet this wasn't the first time this perpetrator exhibited bulling behavior in public.  But man acts may be subtle but they hurt and are dangerous just the same.   Others may be dismissed as simply being an aggressive, but harmless, personality but if the behavior is repeated and intentionally hurts others, it isn't harmless to the person to whom the angry behavior is directed towards.  

 

It makes me wonder what kind of example do these adult behaviors set for our children since as parents, we are the role models for the next generation. Too often when I've seen children exhibiting bad behavior I only have to look at their parents to see where they are learning how to act this way.  If our children hear us disrespecting others and name calling or worse, what is to stop them from doing the same?  After all, to impressionable minds, if adults are doing it, it must be OK.  Were these adults bullies as children or were they themselves bullied as teenagers and in turn became bullies as a coping mechanism?  I believe bullying behavior is learned so where was the classroom or environment where this was learned? 

 

I have no idea what the answers are but because this is National Anti-Bullying month we can each do our own part by helping to raise awareness about this epidemic in our own communities.  We can call out the bullying behavior we witness and we can educate others on how to recognize and stop it as well.  We can teach our children how to respect one another and to treat each other with kindness.  It is perfectly acceptable to not like every person but  that doesn't give anyone permission to make other's lives miserable.  This sounds like a small step but we need to start somewhere and this is as good of a place as any.

* Merriam Webster Dictionary 

Government Ajar

Day seven of the government shutdown the government is closed.  Or is it?  The official word is that the government is shutdown but it appears that many parts of the government are open after all.  Agencies charged with protecting our national security have remained open.  Border patrol agents, prison guards, and air traffic controllers remain on the job and are receiving paychecks.  As are employees of overseas embassies and active duty military personnel.  Approximately 400,000 Department of Defense civilians were furloughed but it now appears that as of this morning most have returned to work because of the last week's last minute passage of the Pay Our Military Act which is now being interpreted to allow workers who "support service personnel" to be recalled.  Apparently "support" is broadly defined here since those domestic commissaries that were shuttered last week are reopening and AFN (American Forces Network), the life blood for American network television for personnel stationed overseas will once again resume their programming.  (I suppose that by reinstating these services morale is being lifted but won't a budget resolution go farther towards increasing happiness than easy access to Nabisco and the latest episode of The Voice).  Cadets played in this past weekend's college football game between the Naval Academy and the Air Force Academy under the auspices that it would actually cost more to cancel the game than it would to play it.   (And having the game go on made ticket holders happy).  Over the weekend FEMA recalled many of their furloughed employees when it appeared that Tropical Storm Karen was going to make landfall along the Gulf Coast.  And then there are the Federal employees who got us into this mess in the first place; members of Congress have been working and throwing barbs across both sides of the while receiving a paycheck.  But wait, Congress does appear to be working; on Saturday they managed to reach an agreement that would allow furloughed employees to receive back pay for the days they missed once this impasse is over.  So perhaps progress is being made.

Some agencies and programs clearly are closed though.  The Department of Justice's Amber Alert program which provides immediate notification across the country when children go missing has gone off line.  Amidst great controversy, the National Park Service is closed but some states and local governments are using their own funds to keep parks open since they are vital to the economic health of their communities. WIC (Women, Infants, and Children), the Department of Health and Human Services program that provides nutritional assistance to women and children has closed their doors in some states and have cut back on services in others.  Head Start programs across the country have stopped providing day care services as well.  A fiery bus crash that left eight people dead in Tennessee won't be investigated because the NTSB employees who would normally investigate the accident are furloughed.  So yes, it appears that our government is still shut down. 

Kind of....  Sort of.... It depends.... Or at least those programs that don't have a strong political voice advocating on their behalf seem to be closed.  If this is the case, and it appears that it may be, we can't really say that the Federal government is shutdown but rather, those portions of it that are deemed non-essential are closed.  But "non-essential" is all relevant.  First, it begs the question of who decides what is essential and what isn't and second, why is the government providing "non-essential" services in the first place?  For the people who depend upon these services they certainly are essential.  So if we are to use FEMA as an example, it would appear that government programs aren't essential until a community, entity, or someone in government with a powerful voice claims that they actually are.  Is this how a democracy is supposed to work?

So is the government open or closed or maybe a little bit of both?  And what does this mean for the American people?

Welcome Autumn

The weather has finally turned cooler here in Tirana and I dare say that autumn is upon us.  Sure it warms up by mid day but the mornings and evenings are decidedly chilly.  We finally broke down last night and turned on the heat in a few rooms and will be digging out the space heater for our bathroom today. (The bathrooms in our Albanian house are all unheated which makes for some bone tingling showers in the morning).  It is now sweater weather so I've been breaking out all of my woolen items from their summer hibernation and thoughts are turning to the months to come.  I've turned the oven back on and have baking treats and cooking up a storm making the fall comfort foods I my body seems to be craving.  Yes folks, fall is definitely upon us. 

 

Camden, Maine in autumn

Autumn is actually my favorite season and there really is nothing like autumn in New England.  Because of this, fall is also the time of year I am the most homesick since I have great fall memories of growing up in New England.   As a child an annual fall chore in our household was cleaning up our tree filled yard.  My brother and I turned this chore into a game by jumping into the piles of crisp leaves for hours on end. Even today, while I'm unlikely to jump into piles of leaves, it is hard to resist the urge to give them a kick or two as I pass by.  In college, the Pioneer Valley was always a colorful mecca for leaf peepers** from all over the world.  The colors were undoubtedly beautiful and Mount Holyoke celebrated with the ultimate autumn event.   "Mountain Day", was a much anticipated day off from classes where the entire campus got out and enjoyed all that autumn in New England has to offer.  Some of my fondest college memories include eating Atkins cider donuts at the Summit House atop Mt. Holyoke. Mountain Day 2013 was this past week but even from half a world away I paused to take in the changing seasons and long for a cider donut or two.

Mount Holyoke in all its autumn glory

The Connecticut River

While I have yet to find foliage that even compares to the brightly colored hues of a New England fall, regardless of where we are in the world, the crispness of the autumn air is always the same.  Living in southern Virginia the changes were subtle but they were there none the less and with the large oak trees anchoring our property, the raking of leaves continued to be an autumn tradition.  The leaves aren't as colorful here in Albania; in fact, here in Tirana leaves tend to turn brown and whither on the trees before falling to the ground.  But fall is definitely in the air and no matter where I am currently calling home, I love this season.

**As defined by me:  Leaf peeper:  One who travels specifically to take in fall foliage.  

With The Bad Comes Some Good

The U.S. government is in the midst of day four of its shutdown. Or pseudo-shutdown, since it appears that large segments of the government are still at least partially open for business.  For the most part agencies that support national security remain open; active duty military personnel are working and getting paid while most of the entryways into our country and the FAA is making sure our skies are still safe.  The departments of Education, Commerce, Interior, and Justice along with numerous others are mostly closed and operating with minimal staffing.  Even the National Park Service has closed their parks, museums, monuments, and green spaces to the public.  These closures and their impact reach far beyond those employees who are not able to work and receive paychecks.  State and local governments, small businesses, and the entire U.S. economy is being negatively impacted by this ongoing impasse.  And why does the government find itself at such an impasse to begin with?  Everyone seems to have an opinion, one that points the finger at the other side but Marlin Stutzman, a Republican Representative from Indiana probably said it best with "We are not going to be disrespected.  We have to get something out of this.  And I don't know what that even is."  Brilliant!

 

But of course Congress is open and working, although how much work is being done is a topic of great controversy.  Members of Congress, the very people whose inability to reach consensus, got us into this mess, are getting paid since their salaries are funded from a line item that is separate from the Federal budget.  However, some members of Congress are refusing their pay either through holding it in escrow or donating it to charitable causes until the budget is passed. Senator Lindsey O. Graham (R-SC) explained it best when he said, "I shouldn't get a congressional salary while other federal employees are denied the ability to go to work."  But not all members of Congress are so giving. Mike Lee, a Tea Party Senator from Utah who initially said he was keeping his paycheck because "I am working.  I will continue to be paid." has now changed his tune and is pay to charity. (Umm.....what about those other Federal employees who are required to work yet not receive their paycheck until this debacle is resolved?).  As of yesterday, 123 lawmakers have publicly announced the donation of their checks until a resolution is reached.  But that certainly leaves a lot who feel as though they deserve their money.  Do they?

But there is a bright spot in all of this doom and gloom.  Outside of the political muck that is suffocating Capitol Hill, individuals and businesses large and small are reaching out to help those people who are hurting because of the shut down.  I've seen support groups spontaneously pop up with the sole purpose of supporting their colleagues, neighbors, or even complete strangers who are furloughed or not receiving their pay checks.  Sam's Club, a membership only mega-conglomerate that is a part of the Walmart empire, and not my favorite business by any means, has reached out the the Department of Defense community by offering free memberships to military families for the duration that stateside commissaries are shuttered.  For those families who live paycheck to paycheck and rely on the reduced food prices found at military commissaries, this offer may mean the difference between feeding one's family or going without.  And USAA, a large military and public sector friendly bank is offering no-interest loans for select federal employees whose paychecks stop.  Inside the Beltway restaurants and bars are advertising "furlough specials" with all day happy hours and reduced meal prices for people with federal identification (Congress excluded).  The Bishop of the National Cathedral has offered their garden for weddings that had been planned for the National Mall and are currently not allowed because the park is closed.  Charity organizations throughout the Metro DC area are putting out calls for furloughed employees to volunteer and a homeless shelter in Alexandria, Virginia has gone as far as organizing a furlough volunteer day.  Fibre Space, a quirky yarn shop in Old Towne Alexandria has been hosting free knitting lessons for furloughed employees all week long.  Other local businesses are offering similar incentives in an effort to support their local communities. 

 

I know this is just a short list of the outpouring of support that is being offered but it demonstrates how communities are amazingly resilient and have a history of rallying together when the going gets tough.  These bright spots remind me that people are genuinely good and do care about their fellow human beings.  We've seen it time and time again and we are seeing it now that when the going gets tough, Americans get going.  Now if only Congress could work together as well.  Short of that I hope they are noticing that a solidarity is forming and it is a solidarity against them.  And that should scare them.

Thanksgiving Cometh Early

Good grief, its Thanksgiving already?

I love Thanksgiving.  From the food and festivities to the friends and family who sit around our dinner table, this day is my single favorite one of the entire year.  Growing up in my family it was the "it" holiday, far surpassing Christmas as a day to enjoy.  As if the day wasn't already special enough, Sidney was born on Thanksgiving Day 2009 adding a whole new meaning to the term "being thankful".  For our first Thanksgiving in Albania we went all out with food and friends. It hindsight it was a bit much so last year we "downsized" to a more reasonable yet still festive gathering.  And because Thanksgiving and its accompanying turkey, fixings, and pies are the quintessential American meal, we've often replicated the typical Thanksgiving feast for representational dinners over the past two years.  This means I've roasted a lot of turkeys during my time in Albania. So because of turkey fatigue, this year I vowed to go very simple and cook a single turkey for a small gathering of our closest friends for Thanksgiving.  That was my plan and I was sticking to it............until things changed.

Last winter I had the opportunity to be profiled in (Albanian) Living magazine, the equivalent of Martha Stewart Living, where I shared our American Christmas traditions.  When the magazine approached me this year to talk about Thanksgiving, I immediately jumped since the offer was just too good to refuse.  This is my favorite holiday after all!  The wheels in my head began to work overtime right away.  But that is when things got interesting since the first matter of business was to procure the centerpiece of any Thanksgiving feast, the turkey.  Having vowed to not over-do it with turkey this year, our usual stash of Butterballs imported from Kosovo via Germany and the United States was depleted.  Turkeys are popular in Albania at New Year but difficult to find during the remaining months of the year.  However, a couple of phone calls later and I found a friend who knew someone who knew the meat buyer at a local grocery chain who would in turn be able to special order a fresh turkey for me and import it from Italy.  (It may sound confusing but the whole process was just so Albanian).  The only question I was asked was "how big" to which I responded "as big as you can get".  The old adage of being careful for what one wishes for certainly applies here since the following week a 30 pound turkey arrived on my doorsteps. Yes, 30 pounds.  Let's just say that birdie was so big that I questioned whether or not it would even fit inside my American-sized oven.  Fortunately it did.  Just barely, but it did.  I stuck it in the freezer and continued with my planning.

After series of phone calls and reschedulings, list making activities and shopping trips we were good to go.  I hauled out all of my Thanksgiving decorations and dishes.  To make it authentic, we invited close friends to join us for a mock holiday dinner that would capture the essence and spirit of the American Thanksgiving tradition.  I picked a menu.  And then revised it a time or two.  Because the beast of a bird was now frozen, we set about defrosting it in the refrigerator days before the big meal.  Much to my surprise I was able to find most of the ingredients I needed in a single store.  Three days before the dinner I started cooking and now I was a bit anxious about how my food would look.  I rarely worry about taste but when the meal is being photographed appearance is what it is all about.  Pie crust, always the bane of my cooking existence, and I fought a battle and this time I won.  The plan was to have the photographer arrive a few hours before dinner to start take pictures of the preparations and to stage the food.  When our guests arrived we would sit at the table and have mock toasts and pretend to eat.  After the photographer departed we would finally be allowed to dig into our food.  All of the logistics worried me and I was particularly concerned about the food growing cold while the pictures were taken.  Glenn assured me that everything would work out yet still I worried.

The day of the dinner came and in typical fashion, things just fell into place.  Thanks to Glenn, the monster bird was stuffed and in the oven at the correct time.  Because it was so big it took longer to roast than I had anticipated but that was actually all right.  Since I didn't need to have all of the food ready to serve at the same time I didn't have the usual pressure of getting my timing just so.  I was actually relaxed in the kitchen (which in itself made me a bit nervous!).  We staged the food and took pictures in a leisurely fashion. I explained the American Thanksgiving tradition and used Google to pull up pictures of traditional Thanksgiving symbols looked like.  By the time our guests arrived we were ready to move onto the toasts.  We briefed them on the plan then we sat down and gave toasts.  Sidney, always a wild card in any planned activity, was a ham, cooperated and smiled nicely for the camera.  Glenn donned my apron and carved the monster bird.  All went well.  When the crew from the magazine packed up and left I reheated a few dishes, Glenn poured more wine and we ate.  Despite the messy kitchen, at the end of the night I felt that the evening was a success.

So I have one Thanksgiving down and (somehow) another one is still to come. I'll be blogging about my actual recipes in my food blog during the month of November so stay tuned.  By the time the magazine article is published we'll still be finishing up the leftovers of this turkey and I'll be planning another Thanksgiving dinner.  I'll be hunting for another (smaller) turkey and searching out my other key ingredients.  And I said I was only hosting one dinner this year?  I foolishly believed it but Glenn knew better!  Maybe next year it will be true.

Monster Bird

(Mostly) Wordless Wednesday: Krakow After Dark

St. Mary's Basilica 

Flower market at night

Churches

Muzeum Historyczne miasta Krakowa

The old Cloth Market building in the center of Rynek Glowny

Night lights  (with water)

Juliusz Stowacki Theater

Closed For Business

Today is the first of October.  For some it is just the beginning of another month but for those of us who work for the Federal government, it marks the beginning of a new fiscal year.  A new year should signify a fresh start; a new beginning.  However, this year, due to the inability of our Congress to approve a new Federal budget, the government of the United States of America is officially closed.  Yes, that is right folks, the self-proclaimed leading country of the free world, the one so many others strive to emulate, the one who is supposed to be a role model for functioning democracies around the globe, is shuttered for business because our elected officials could not pass a budget. Or as a headline in the Washington Post read this morning:  "Capitol of Free World:  Closed until further notice."  Happy new year folks!

 

So what does it mean when a first world government shuts down due to a lack of funds?  For some of the most public employees and their customers, it will be business as usual.  Mail will continue to be delivered, borders and airspace will still be patrolled by employees who will get paid at a later date, most portions of overseas Embassies will remain open, and yes Congress will continue to "work" and get paid.  For others, it means work simply stops until a new budget is passed.  Federal employees, many with families to care for, will go without paychecks until this battle of the wills is resolved.  It isn't clear as to whether or not these employees will eventually receive their missed pay or will simply have to re-prioritize their budgets to accommodate the lost funds.  (Actually, this is what the government should be doing, isn't it?).  Because of some fast dealing and the stroke of the president's pen shortly before midnight, members of the armed forces will continue to receive their paychecks in a timely manner.  As a non-military government employee I went to bed last night believing that I too would be furloughed.  It was only after coming into work at the Embassy this morning that I learned that I, along with the rest of my Department of State colleagues at the Embassy, would be exempted from the furloughs (for the time being at least).  That's not a big sigh of relief but rather a small one.

 

What I wonder through all of this, however, is how did we as a country end up where we are today?  The Federal government shut down two times in recent history, in late 1995 and again in early 1996.  As was the case both then and now, each party blamed the other for Congress's inaction and inability to pass compromise legislation.  Politics, in a democratic society, is after all, a lesson in compromise where, despite protests otherwise, the United States has and continues to fail miserably.  And the budget debate is by no means a new one.  In other years the legislative stalemate has resulted in numerous continuing resolutions essentially meaning that the same budget will carry over from one year into the next with no changes being made.  Perhaps these continuing resolutions are a form of non-committal compromise but however you define them, they have become an all too common way of doing business.  In fact, as of just yesterday, the U.S. government was in the final hours of yet another continuing resolution.  Will this coming year result in more of the same or will one party hold out until the other changes their minds, or will both parties agree to mutually acceptable compromises? However it plays out, to quote a friend, it is time that our elected government stop acting like three-year-olds on the playground and find a middle ground.  Your country and your constituents are counting on you.

I have no idea how long this stalemate will continue.  It could be hours, days or perhaps even weeks.  I wonder what it will take for Congress to agree on a budget when the only thing they can agree on is that it is the other party's fault. The bigger question I have, however, is why aren't Americans more angry about all of this and why aren't we calling our representatives to voice our frustrations.  Yes, some people are angry but it appears to mostly be those people whose paychecks are directly effected by the shutdown.  And as history has shown, the American public doesn't have a lot of sympathy for government workers since to many, a government shutdown is viewed as a "Washington" problem.  

There are lots of suggestions floating around in cyberspace about what might motivate Congress to actually perform their jobs.  The most prominent one, the current chorus of voting them out, sounds good but repeatedly, as elections approach frustrations and dissatisfaction with previous job performance are all but forgotten.  (It becomes especially easy to forget when the incumbents bills themselves as the good guys and gals with the other party always being blamed).   And besides, this isn't an election year and the budget issue must be resolved sooner rather than later so at this point, elections are the farthest thing from many of our minds.  I firmly believe that Congress will only act in a meaningful way when they hear the message that the people who elect them want compromise, change, a resolution.  They want Congress to act like adults rather than toddlers. This is what I want too so I'm going to do my part and let my representatives know exactly how I feel.  I encourage all of you to do the same.  Email, Tweet, call, or post a Facebook message .  Just do it.