R.S.V.P.

Good manners never go out of fashion. Or so I thought. But now I'm really beginning to wonder. I was always taught that when you received an invitation and the host asks you to let them know whether or not you will be coming, you should do it. The concept seems easy enough but for whatever reason it seems like fewer and fewer people are answering that request. Or maybe it is just the people I know.

I first encountered the problem with people not responding when we were living in Albania. In both my paid position and in my own home, whenever I issued invitations to events people were slow to respond (if they even bothered to respond at all). I know it was unrealistic on my part to expect them to respond within 48 hours of receiving the invite (the way I had been taught) but some response at all would have been appreciated. I never really cared whether people were going to attend but as the event planner and the hostess I needed to know how many guests to expect. A sit down dinner at my house; do I plan for seating for twelve or for eight? A children's party at the embassy; if I don't know how many kids to expect how can I make sure that every child receives a goodie bag? I became a master at squeezing extra place settings in at the table or removing them if necessary. After one disastrous reception where I cooked for the number who said they were coming (plus a little wiggle room) and then ran out of both food and drink when the entire guest list showed up, I learned to always make extra food. Sometimes it all got eaten but more often than not we had leftovers for the week.

I never quite understood why people didn't respond. When I asked people (yes, it came down to that), the responses were mixed. People weren't sure whether they could make it while others said of course they would be there. (I guess I'm supposed to be a mind reader). Other would say that they didn't want to commit on the chance another offer came up (yes, I was told that), committing took the spontaneity out of the event (for the guest I am assuming), or they didn't know what the letters R.S.V.P. meant (yes, I heard that one too). And then there was the time my inquiry as to whether or not someone would be attending an event was met with the accusation that I was old fashioned and stuffy for even inquiring about such a thing in the first place.

Fast forward to our being in Belgium with an entirely new international community with the two official languages on the base being English and French. Yesterday we threw Sidney his long awaited birthday party. One month out I reserved the space, providing them with a tentative number of guests. Two weeks ago Sidney hand delivered invitations to all of his classmates. Not wanting to be a glutton for punishment I didn't give an R.S.V.P. deadline but I did ask that people let me know their intentions via email. A few replies immediately came in then silence. Sidney would come home telling me that so-and-so was attending (have a message relayed from one five year old to another hardly seems like a reliable means of communicating). Other days parents would catch me in the hallway and let me know their child would be coming. One parent even sent a handwritten note to the teacher who passed along them message to me. Two days before the party only one child had declined the invitation, sixteen had accepted but that left another ten up in the air. (Yes, Sidney has a freakishly large class). I went back to the event space giving them a tentative number and they must have been used to the non-commitment of people since they said they would work with me on however many people showed up. Having heard horror stories about everyone showing up at parties here without R.S.V.P.ing, I went home and baked enough cake and cupcakes to feed the entire class and their parents in case everyone showed up. The same with the goodie bags.

So how did it work out? The day of the party I received three last minute cancellations due to the nasty bug that has been making its way through the school. One child showed up without an R.S.V.P. but her father apologetically told me that he could read my handwriting on the invitation. Everyone else who said they were coming, came. We had just enough pizza, too many goodie bags (which can be disassembled and recycled for another event) and more than enough cupcakes so Glenn will once again be providing treats for his co-workers.

But this experience now has me thinking. Am I misinterpreting what R.S.V.P. actually means? Does it now mean regrets only? Respond if you feel like it? Of course I'll attend? Or do people simply chose to respond to those invitations they deem important and ignore the others. What is a hostess to do? I don't know what anyone else does but my solution is to be prepared by making extra food and to be ready for the unexpected. What other options do I really have?

The Fine Art of Diplomacy

Ah diplomacy; so many of us think we know what it means to be diplomatic but very few of us are actually able to carry out the mission.  The good old Merriam-Webster dictionary calls diplomacy the "art and practice of conducting negotiations between nations."  A secondary definition is having "skill in handling affairs without arousing hostility."  Living overseas, I think about both of these definitions a lot and how they affect my own daily life.  The first definition may be more likely to apply to the big guns--people who work and move in diplomatic circles on a daily basis-- but we should all take note of the second definition and do our best to practice being diplomatic in our daily lives.  After all, good manners and etiquette never go out of style.

So how do you put being diplomatic into practice?  In my opinion, it is really quite simple.  It means knowing when to ask the right questions or not to ask any at all.  It means being polite, understanding, and non-intrusive and never inserting yourself into a conversation that you have not been invited into.  (The same goes for events- if you didn't receive an invitation from the host, don't assume you are invited and definitely don't ask to be included).  Many dinners and receptions are working events and must be treated as such; rarely are they purely social opportunities since most of the people present probably wouldn't socialize with each other under other non-official circumstances.  I know the same goes for official entertaining in our own home; I may not always want to welcome our guests with open arms but I am unfailingly polite so they are never the wiser about my true feelings. Sometimes this may mean inviting a guest to dinner who I don't personally agree with but in these situations the reality is that my opinion just does not matter.  In situations like this, killing people with kindness is the way I operate and I remind myself that two wrongs just don't make a right.  As a guest it is also important to know when to leave.  You may rage past midnight at a friend's house but unless you have specifically been asked to stay longer, depart before the end time written on your invitation.  But on the same hand, don't leave too early.  Glenn and I learned this the hard way when we once, because of an issue with our babysitter, left a dinner before coffee had been served.  All of the other guests took our departure as a signal that the event had ended and quickly followed us out the door.  We never repeated that one mistake!

I know that it is equally important to be polite in all situations and if necessary, keep my personal opinions to myself  in these settings.  As an American I am acutely aware that any personal opinion I express could be construed as being that of my government and my country.  If appropriate words fail me it is always more acceptable to smile and nod rather than saying something that may offend or be misinterpreted.  I also take my cues from those around me.  Here in Albania it is common to greet people with double air kisses and both bring a small gift when a guest but also give a small gift to your guests.  These are not necessarily customs in America but when in Rome--or Tirana---we follow these leads.  In the end it is essentially a small gesture that really goes a long way. 

Above all, I remember that none of this is permanent. The dinner, reception, concert, or even our time here has an expiration date.  At the end of the day diplomacy is all about getting the work done, getting along with others and neither offending nor embarrassing yourself, your hosts, or your country.  So to quote one of my favorite cartoon characters of all time, "just smile and wave boys, just smile and wave." 

Mind Your Manners

The original etiquette queen

With our entertaining season revving up into full gear, I've been thinking a lot about good manners and proper etiquette.  What is etiquette and what role does it play in our lives?  According to the Merriam Webster Dictionary, etiquette is defined as "the conduct or procedure required by good breeding or prescribed by authority to be observed in social or official life."   Etiquette may be cultural with what is acceptable in one country not being appropriate in others.  (The proper way to show appreciation for a good meal immediately comes to mind).  Emily Post, the ultimate etiquette guru had a more universal view when she said "manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others.  If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use."

So what is proper etiquette and manners when living and working in an international community?  Do you adopt the traditions and cultural norms of your current country or do you stay true to the etiquette of your country of origin?  (After all, as Americans here in Albania we represent the United States).  And what exactly are the cultural norms for America?  Are we all as brash and uncultured as many perceive us to be?  Is it acceptable for me to assume that what is an etiquette must for me is the same for others?  I don't know the answers to many of these questions but as an American there are several etiquette pet peeves of mine that I avoid committing at all costs.

• R.S.V.P.  Yes these four little letters are abbreviated from French for Respondez Si'l Vous Plait.  In practical terms this means let the host know whether or not you will be attending.  Respond as soon as practically possible but no later than the date stated on the invitation. This allows the host to have enough food, chairs, and place settings for all of their guests. Nothing is worse, or more embarrassing, than having to squeeze in additional seats at an already crowded table or having to downsize portions to ensure that each guest has food. 

• Who is invited?  Unless specified, invitations are not open requests for you to bring your friends, visiting relatives, or even your spouse with you to an event.  Much to my relief, I am not included on many of Glenn's invitations.  I don't take this personally and often welcome the fact I can stay home.  I remember my sister-in-law's horror as my brother started casually inviting people to stop by their formal wedding reception.  (see the R.S.V.P. note above for clarification). If you are in doubt please ask the host for clarification but never assume and just show up with additional "plus ones".

• Children  I don't have anything against children (I even have one of my own) but unless clearly named, or included in the "and family" catch-phrase, don't assume your children are welcome to attend.  Despite your protests otherwise, your children may not be as well behaved as you claim and many events are just not appropriate venues for children.  I have actually turned someone away who showed up at a clearly adults only formal function with children in tow.  Have someone watch your children or chose to stay home - after submitting your no R.S.V.P. but please do not put the host in the difficult situation of having to ask you and your brood to leave. 

• What (Not) to Wear  Use your invitation as a cue and if in doubt, ask the host.  Casual, business casual, formal; what does it all mean?  European casual means a jacket and no tie which is a far cry from how we define casual in America.  If unsure, it is always better to be over dressed rather than under.  And for women in particular, don't be afraid to err on the side of conservative.  No one wants to see heaving cleavage or exposed thongs. Under no circumstances are flip flops (rightfully called slippers here in Albania) and cut offs acceptable attire for a formal reception.

• Arrival and Departure  (This doesn't apply to many parts of the world, but as Americans, I still believe it is important).  Start and end times on an invitation are not arbitrary numbers.  If dinner is to be served at a set time, arriving after the fact is just not good form.  The same goes for departing.  As a guest you should leave long before the waiters start rolling up the table cloths and turning out the lights.  I've found that as Americans we are often the worst offenders and have actually seen the above scenario play out on more than one occasion.  If the host asks you to stay longer then do so but unless the invitation is extended follow the lead of the other guests and depart in a timely manner.

• Blackberry blackout From the most basic models to the fanciest, all cell phones and Blackberry devices have that little button that silences your phone.  If you are afraid of missing an important call, put your phone on vibrate then excuse yourself from the group before taking the call.  We've hosted too many sit down dinners where cell phones ring then guests proceed to carry on extended conversations of a personal nature right at the table.  What are the rest of the guests supposed to do?  Do we sit in silence and pretend we don't hear anything while you talk or do we ignore the situation and continue on? 

• Bring a hostess gift  It doesn't have to be ornate or expensive but bringing a small gift is a nice token of appreciation for your host.  Regardless of whether or not they cooked the meal themselves or got it catered time and energy was put into arranging the event.  The gifts I give out range from bottles of wine to mementos from America.  None are fancy but all convey thoughtfulness.  Over the course of the past year I've received my share of hostess gifts ranging from the edible (wines, raki, olive oil, and chocolates) to displayable (porcelain trinket boxes, pottery, and magnets).  The strangest gift I've received was a bottle of SPF 15 sunscreen and a key chain.  I kid you not.

• Say thank you  Everyone likes to be thanked for their efforts.  For larger events this can be done in person as you depart but for smaller events, or those that are hosted in one's home, a hand written thank you note is the way to go.  (It is also a great excuse to buy pretty cards and accessories at Paper Source).  Thank you notes are not the norm here in Albania but as an American who grew up writing (on paper) a thank you note every Christmas before I was allowed to play with  my gifts, I feel it is the right thing to do.  I try to send a short note to my host within 24 hours of the event; unfortunately I don't always achieve this.  However, late is better than never.  Only this past week I was thanked for sending a thank you note.  The recipient, was apparently surprised by my efforts yet touched that I had taken the time to write.  It makes me think I am one of the few people in Tirana who actually do this.

The above list is by no means exhaustive but are just a few of the quirks that grate on me.  I'm by no means perfect and I know there are things I do that make others cringe but I hope Emily and my grandma would be proud of my efforts.