Support

A comment in response to my post yesterday has me thinking about my own support network.  My initial reaction upon reading the comment was that, yes, I have a vast and robust support system. Upon deeper reflection, however, I am wondering whether I really do. 

I've never been someone who has a large number of close friends.  Rather, I always seem to have a couple of close personal friends and a larger network of more general acquaintances that together, provide me with a strong support network.  Here in Albania I am fortunate to have developed two close friends who, over the past year, have become confidants.  They are my shoulders to cry on when the going is rough, they are here to share in my joys, and most importantly, they provide me with the much needed in-person girl time that is the number one thing I miss from home.  Because they are also foreigners living in Albania, they understand the frustrations of daily life here and realize that no, I am not making these hard to believe stories up.  I would truly be lost without them here in the wilds of Albania and fear their returning home (which will happen before we depart).  On a daily basis, however, Glenn is the foundation of my support system.  I think that living overseas, separated from the military lifestyle to which we had grown accustomed, has brought us closer together.  Without the ready interference and/or influence of family and friends, we have come to rely on each other more than we ever did in the past.  Whether it be our family time together or our arguments, everything is more intense here.  Working in the same place, we know and work with the same people and are able to share the events of our days with each other at a level that would just not be possible if we weren't operating in such a confined environment.  This mutual support is so important but does not completely fulfill my support needs.

But where is the rest of my support system?  Back in the States I had a ready cadre of casual girlfriends, both military spouses and life long civilian friends, who were a part of my extended support network.  Depending on the need there was always someone within easy reach to provide needed support.  Here in Albania, I am physically much more isolated.  Sure I can still reach out via email or Skype but with unreliable Internet access and a six plus hour time difference my circumstances are just not conducive to picking up the phone to chat.  (Although with my ongoing insomnia, in the middle of the time difference is usually pretty easy to overcome).  As a means of reprieve, I've immersed myself in a variety of activities, from paid work to volunteer organizations to my responsibilities as a mother and an attache spouse, in order to provide a balance in my daily life.  As busy as these activities keep me, they still don't provide me with the emotional support that I (we) all need.

Upon deeper reflection I'm realizing that currently, my steadiest form of emotional support is virtual.  It comes in two forms.  First, I'm a member of numerous online forums--from those exclusively for military officer spouses to general ones for parents and social commentators.  While I often lurk and only cautiously post, these anonymous forums have become my true sounding board and support system.  Whether I am questioning my parenting skills or my own role in my community (and what exactly is my community?), there is always someone out there discussing the same issues and concerns.  Someone else has always been there or done that.  It makes me feel like I'm not alone. I have a strange sense of safety when I read and post in these forms.  They may only be quasi-anonymous but without actually knowing the people out in cyberspace, it feels safer to be honest.  Yes, people may be harshly judgemental but sometimes that is exactly what I need to hear.  And the fact that I know I won't be running into them any time soon makes their judgements easier to handle.  (The exception is a Navy group that I am a part of that started out completely anonymous for me but over time I've come to realize that I actually know or know of most of the women in the group).  These forums serve as my therapy sessions and given their ever growing popularity, I suspect I am not the only one who feels this way.

My second form of support is writing.  My blog is my most public outlet; it is my therapist, my friend, and my personal sounding board.  It helps me put into (most times) clear words my thoughts and ideas of everything from food and travel to family and world issues.  If something is bothering me, I write about it. The clicking of the keyboard followed by the reading of what I wrote puts things into perspective for me.  Sometimes I go back and read what I have written and realize that I am being irrational. Other times I realize that I have valid points.  While I have recently started blogging on a (mostly) daily basis, my writing is much more extensive than what is out there for public consumption.  For every blog entry I post I have at least two more that I'm either not brave enough to publish or I have enough common sense not to put out there for the world to see.  Regardless of where my ramblings end up, sitting down to write is incredibly therapeutic. 

All of this doesn't make up for face to face contacts with real friends but for the time being, these activities provide me with the support system I so desperately need.  We all need support and and sometimes we need to find it in unconventional ways.  That doesn't matter.  If it works for you, go for it. 

So what is your support system?

Post Thanksgiving Reflections

Thanksgiving was yesterday and the single thing I am most thankful for this morning is that the day is over.  Don't get me wrong.  I love Thanksgiving and everything about it.   In fact it is my favorite holiday.  From the food and festivities to family, friends, and friends who are like family I love it all. But each and every year it is a lot of work.  (OK the one year it wasn't a lot of work I was actually in the hospital having just given birth to Sidney so I guess in 2009 it was just a different type of work). Growing up I remember my mom complaining that by the time Thanksgiving dinner was served she didn't have an appetite for the food.  Fast forward thirty plus years and I was now in the same boat. After being in the kitchen with the turkey and various side dishes all day, the last thing I wanted to do was sit down and eat the food.  It was all I smelled throughout the day and when I made a brief escape outside I realized that even I smelled like turkey.  Late last night, long after the kitchens were cleaned and the guests had departed, I woke up from a fitful sleep.  I was so tired that I just couldn't sleep.  And I kept smelling turkey.

This year we had a total of sixteen people at dinner.  With ten adults and six kids ranging from ages two through ten it was considerably smaller than last year's celebration which was comprised of twenty-four people (including four Marines who ate a lot) sitting around three tables.  This year our guests represented an international cross section and more importantly, were people who we really wanted to share our holiday dinner with.  I scaled down the menu from last year; only one big turkey and no ham, one type of dressing instead of two and three different desserts instead of five. In keeping with the American family-style theme we gave our housekeeper the day off and I did all the cooking myself. We even served the meal buffet style in an attempt to keep things simple.

Well, this is Albania so I should know that even the simplest of plans are never quite that simple. I had to scrap my favorite Thanksgiving dishes--fresh cranberry and orange relish, cranberry-walnut bread, and baked sweet potato casserole--since fresh cranberries and sweet potatoes are not available in Albania.  The beauty of making multiple dishes is that if one doesn't work out you have a back up.  When my one and only bread--- a date and pecan loaf-- crumbled upon slicing, I had nothing to serve in its place.  It is a shame that it didn't look better because it tasted so good.  As usual Glenn and I debated whether or not we could serve it. I'm of the opinion that presentation is just as important as taste so it shouldn't go on the table. Glenn said it was a family style meal so serving the crumbs would be acceptable.  In the end it didn't get served (and its absence actually wasn't noticed).

The dinner itself was a success. It was full of laughter and great conversation and thanks to the presence of the children equally loud and chaotic. (It didn't help matters that my own son was the shrieking ring leader of the bunch who thrived off of being egged on by the others).  For some around the table it was their first American style Thanksgiving. For others, it was a repeat event.  For Glenn and I, it was reminiscent of holidays at home.  It was simultaneously wonderful and sad.  We had our traditions and were surrounded by friends but somehow Thanksgiving just isn't Thanksgiving without the parade, football games, and yes, as strange as it is, the National Dog Show.  In  keeping with Brown family tradition however, the men did clean up after dinner while the kids ran amok and the women supervised it all.

Every year I tell myself that the next year's dinner will be quieter and calmer.  We'll have fewer guests and less food.  By the time Thanksgiving rolls around again, however, I have forgotten the promise I had made to myself and go overboard all over again.  Even today, in my post turkey haze (where I've escaped to work just so I don't have to smell turkey), I'm already thinking ahead to next year.  Who will we invite to our final Albanian Thanksgiving?  What will I serve?  Should I try to order fresh sweet potatoes online and see if they arrive through the pouch?

Yes I'm exhausted today and glad Thanksgiving is over but in reality every bit of the chaos was worth it.  With the big dinner behind us I can look forward to a relaxing weekend of celebrating Sidney's third birthday and breaking out our Christmas decorations.  We plan on putting up our tree this weekend, organizing our guest list for our traditional holiday party and planning for looking forward to our Christmas in Germany.  While doing this we will be thinking about and missing our friends and family back home but we are also thankful for the friends and friends who are like family that we have here in Albania.  After all, that is what the holidays are really about.  And of course we will be eating lots of left over turkey.