Its Complicated

Recently I was standing in a line making small talk with a fellow American tourist when I was asked where I was from. For me, and other military families, this is such a loaded question that I didn't even know where to begin with my answer. Is it where I live at the moment (Belgium)? But then some people think I'm Belgian. America? Is a generic "America" good enough or do people want more specifics? Is it where I grew up (Maine), where I first lived as an adult (Massachusetts) or where we first lived as a family (Virginia)? At one point Sidney was so confused that when posed with the "where are you from" question at the playground, he answered Albania. I quickly jumped in and corrected him but this led to his asking me where he was from since, up to that point, his only memories were of living in Albania. And the question is all the more confusing when we are together as a family. Glenn grew up in Maryland and went to college in New York before joining the Navy and spending time on both Coasts. And the tender age of 4 1/2 Sidney was born in one state, lived in two others (I'm cheating a bit and counting Washington D.C. as a state since we did live there for over one year) and has now lived in two European countries. So what is home anyway?

So how did I answer my fellow tourist? I took a deep breath and told him I lived in Belgium. He looked at me knowingly and asked if I was military. When I nodded in agreement he quickly added that he was retired from the Navy and listed several of the places he had once called home (including Virginia and Belgium). Here was someone who understood how loaded the question really is. It was like finding an unlikely soulmate in a sea of foreigners. But finding that type of understanding outside of our military community is rare.

Some days I look longingly at friends who are settled. From my perspective their living in a house they have owned for years, their children attending the same school with the same children for each grade and their ability to lay down permanent roots looks so comforting. They don't face the regular uncertainty of where they will end up next, whether the schools and the job will be acceptable and more importantly, what their new house and neighborhood will be like. On the flip side, I've had civilian friends comment about how exciting and even glamourous my life must be. From the inside, living this life certainly doesn't feel that way. Yes, with mobility comes opportunities and we take full advantage of them as they arise. But that doesn't negate the desire to not have to always be on the move. I'd love to not be continually packing and unpacking boxes, trying to make new friends and finding my way around a new community. Someday, someday.....

So where are we from? For the time being we live in the moment and home is where ever the Navy sends us. And at at the moment, that happens to be Belgium.

Celebrating The Month Of The Military Child

Every special interest group seems to have their own day, week, or month in which to be recognized and as such, April has been designated the "month of the military child". In 1986 then Secretary of Defense Casper Weinberger first designated April as the month to honor military children in an effort to recognize the contributions and sacrifices military children make as their parent(s) serve their country in the military. Military children move more frequently than their civilian peers, they experience extended separations when their parents are deployed, and in many respects their lives are often on the verge of upheaval. While all military family members must deal with these circumstances, because they are still developing emotionally and intellectually, children are often less equipped to deal with these challenges. But somehow they do because they must. There really isn't any other alternative. But because of this, military kids are also incredibly resilient and they are more adept at dealing with life changing challenges. I've been hearing the Department of Defense's campaign about this for years and despite our affiliation as an active duty military family, really hadn't given it a whole lot of thought. Until recently.

We are incredibly fortunate to not have experienced a deployment since Sidney was born and given the point we are at in Glenn's career, it is likely that Sidney will never have to live with such an extended separation from his father. For this I am incredibly grateful. However, Sidney has dealt with the long hours, missed dinners and unexpected phone calls that are all a part of Glenn's job. He has alternately responded to them with tears, bursts of anger, and sad resignation (which from my perspective is perhaps the most heartbreaking response of all). And then there are the moves. At the young age of four and half Sidney has lived in four separate houses in three different countries since he was born. Our most recent move was the first one he remembers and it was by all accounts an incredibly upsetting and difficult experience for all of us. Perhaps future moves will get easier but watching my little boy struggle to comprehend that he was leaving the world he knew behind forever was almost too much for this Mamma to watch. The adjustment to his new environment, a new house, a new school and routine, and making new friends has been anything but easy. But as I had been promised by so many other military moms out there, he is adjusting and showing true resilience. I'd like to promise Sidney that he won't have to go through this again but I can't. Actually I can promise him that he will have to do it all over again in just three short years. Maybe that move will be the last one but then again, maybe it won't. This life definitely has its perks but with every benefit there is a cost and constant moves, uncertainty and upheaval are some of those costs.

So during the month of April the Department of Defense is celebrating and recognizing military children. Most military bases and installations are hosting child centered events and activities. They may be big or small but all focus on the kids. I am constantly hearing the message that we need to thank the military and their families for their service and sacrifice and I couldn't agree more. But for this month let us specifically thank a military child for what they have (unknowingly) given in support of their country. After all the military member doesn't do it alone.

So here's to my military child and all of his peers, both American and international. You didn't choose this lifestyle; rather you were born into it. But you all put up with it, adjust and persevere and because of this, you guys are awesome!

Just Call Me Julie

Military families living overseas are often caught in an odd abyss. In strictest terms we aren't really expats since we know we are only guests in our host countries for a limited time. Because of our military status we are often exempt from many of the requirements residents of our host country, in our case Belgium, must abide by. (In our case, our biggest perk is taxes. Europe's Value Added Tax (VAT) can add hundreds if not thousands of dollars/ Euros to the cost of everyday goods and services; for the most part we are exempted from paying them. This is a huge benefit). And because we are stationed overseas at a military installation, we have access to many of the services that we are accustomed to having at home; an on base health care center, commissaries, libraries, and schools are all services that are provided to us to help make our lives a little bit easier. And as is the case with the schools, there is the understanding that because we are only in our locations on a temporary basis, our children will eventually return to the United States, attend American schools and need to keep up with the stateside based peers. This means that the schools and therefore the base provides our children with the same curriculum and extra curricular opportunities that they would have if they were still living in America. Sometimes it feels as though we have the best of both worlds....until we don't. That's when you realize the dangers of getting too comfortable in your surroundings and what you know and not taking the time to explore your host community.

With such easy access to military sponsored services and activities, it is too easy to come to rely upon them. Such is my recent experience in attempting to enroll Sidney in a summer camp. Its never too early to start planning for summer activities for children and in doing so in late March I felt as though I was already running late. After all, in the U.S. summer camp enrollment begins early in the new year. Regardless of the late date I went ahead and went to the "Child, Youth, & School Office" on base to see about finding a summer camp for Sidney. It turns out that I wasn't too late, rather at 4 1/2 years old, my son is simply too young for the single camp that is offered. Disappointed but determined I asked about stand alone activities; t-ball, soccer, swimming, arts & crafts....I was looking for any activity to keep my active boy engaged over the long summer weeks. Nada. Zip. Nil. The response was the same. None of these activities are offered during the summer for the pre-school aged set. When I asked why, after all there are a ton of younger children here, I was told that most people leave for the summer so there simply isn't a demand for them. Really? I mean really? If we were in the U.S. every community recreation program would have an entire menu of activities for this age group. Soccer fields would be filled with tiny players honing their skills, swimming pools would be filled with budding Olympians, and kids would be coming home every evening exhausted from a full day of activities. (I'll be honest, it is times like this when I wonder if we are making the right decision for our son; I worry that Sidney is missing out on activities and events other kids his age are readily experiencing). But no activities for the younger set; that is just plain disappointing. So what is a mom to do?

Readers of a certain age are sure to remember Julie McCoy, the perpetually perky activities director on The Love Boat. She spent each cruise ensuring that guests had a menu of activities to choose from and that all of their needs were met. There are times when I feel like this is my role and right now is one of them. Without any comprehensive options for a summer full of fun and educational opportunities for Sidney I'm putting together my own version of a Belgian summer camp. We have several long weekend trips planned and will be spending most of July back on the East Coast. We've bought passes to the local zoo that has been rated the best in BENELUX and I'm investigating the availability of both horseback riding and swimming lessons in the Mons community. Summer is festival season in Europe so we'll seek out one or two to attend. And with this being a big anniversary year for key world war battles, reenactments are sure to abound. If that isn't enough, Belgium has hundreds of miles of bicycle trails just waiting to be ridden. And there are so many chateaus, parks, playgrounds, and battlefields right in our backyard to explore. We won't be bored by any means (I'll just be a bit tired). Come June we'll be setting sail and are sure to have a good time.

Welcome aboard!

On Loan

In many respects my current life is temporary.  Or at least that is how I feel.  We are temporarily living in a country in a house that is only on loan to us.  Even most of the furnishings aren't ours; from the rugs and lamps to our dining room table and the chair I am sitting in at the moment, we are the temporary inhabitants of this residence that was selected for us.  Come January,  we will move out and in a matter of days someone else will become the new occupant of our Drexal furniture filled home.  Whether we are members of the military or the foreign service, such is the life we have (unknowingly?? knowingly??) signed on for.  With each move we know we are only there for the short term before we move on again.  So how does one put down roots when you know they will be so shallow?

This is a question I have been contemplating lately.  Perhaps it is because the annual summer migration known as PCSing (permanent change of station) is upon us and so many of our friends are packing up, picking up, and moving on.  Some are returning to the United States or to their home countries while others are heading onto new foreign adventures.  For the moment we are staying put and watching new people migrate to Tirana and put down their own temporary roots.  And everyone does it in their own way.  Some people arrive, unpack quickly and go about making their new house their new home.  They buy new accessories to customize their standard issue furniture, paint their walls to match their personalities, and quickly integrate themselves into social circles as though they have been their all their lives. Others live out of their moving boxes, unpacking only as needed, keeping to themselves, and biding their time until they too will be moving on once again.  

When we arrived two years ago, we did a combination of these things.  Due in large part to our super efficient housekeeper, all of our boxes were unpacked and homes found for our belongings the day they arrived.  We quickly hung our family pictures to personalize the otherwise generic walls, swapped out our standard issued mattress for the pillow topped one we had brought with us, and filled the kitchen with the scenes and smells that reminded us of home.  (My Kitchen Aid mixer is always the first item that is unpacked and put to use since in my mind, a kitchen just isn't my kitchen unless this bright red appliance is perched upon a counter).  With the exception of additional transformers, we didn't, however, buy anything that is specific to our current house.  Having learned the hard way that the framed print that is perfect over one mantle won't work in a house without a fireplace and custom drapes are only appropriate for the windows they were designed for, we arranged what we already owned to work in our current situation. It wasn't a perfect match but it was good enough for the time being.  Or so we told ourselves.  We immediately immersed ourselves in our new jobs and routines, quickly made new friends, and settled into our new lives but somehow this move was different from the onset.  Whereas before I felt as though staying put at the end of an assignment was a remote possibility, I knew that here, for better or worse, there was a firm end date in sight.  And I feel as though this thought has never been far from my mind.  On both good days and bad I have reminded myself that this situation is only temporary.  This certainly isn't any way to live and I have reminded myself of this over the past two years but I still haven't been able to shake the "its only on loan" feeling.  

And now we have entered into our six month countdown and the temporary feeling is turning into a sense of reality.  Instead of focusing on the now I'm focusing on the future.  Instead of hanging pictures from our most recent trip on the wall I'm thinking about saving them for our next temporary set of walls.  After all, why mar the concrete wall with a hole that will only serve a purpose for a few short months?  As friends who have lived in the same house for decades comment on my nomadic lifestyle with both envy and horror I wonder how I really feel about it.  I find myself wondering what it will be like to finally settle into a "permanent" house and put down real roots.  Will it be a relief to finally unpack knowing another move isn't on the horizon or will I feel an itch to move on after a few years.  Only time will tell since that day is still years in the future.  In the meantime I'm focusing on what is coming up next.  I'm telling myself that three years is a long enough time to establish roots.  Maybe they won't grow real deep but perhaps they will be deep enough to feel somewhat permanent.  We'll once again have the opportunity to choose our own house instead of having one assigned to us and our furniture will be our own.  We'll have three years to unpack, settle down, and make our house our home and our neighborhood our neighborhood.  So the real question I need to ponder now is how to make it happen.  How do you really establish roots on a compressed timeline?

Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda

Life is all about choices.  Some of us are privileged to have a larger menu of options to select from but we all have decisions to make and what we decide helps to shape our past, present, and future.  Hindsight is always twenty-twenty and some of us may have a lot more "coulda, woulda, shoulda" moments than others.  I do my best not to dwell on the poor decisions I may have made in the past but rather I focus on where I am now and what decisions I can make now that will shape my future in positive ways.  Some decisions I have control over while others are really dependent upon other people, institutions, and situations.  I find the hardest decisions are the ones we may fully regret in hindsight or simply wish we had either made different decisions or our circumstances had simply been different at the time.  I call these the "coulda, woulda, shoulda" choices.  One of the "coulda, woulda, shoulda" debates I see many of my (female) peers talking about time and time again is the ongoing family-career-life balance issue.  And in particular, with my peers the conversation is most heated amongst my fellow military spouses and the choices we have made regarding our individual work-family-life balances.

One woman on a military spouse board I participate in posted a comment recently regarding her frustration with not being able to have a fulfilling career while supporting her husband's ever changing and mobile military career and keeping the the home fires burning.  While her post received a handful of supportive "I'm right there with you" comments, the vast majority of people condemned her for complaining about her situation, not making her own happiness, knowing what she had gotten into when she married her husband and therefore not being entitled to complain, and generally not being supportive of her husband and children.  Really?  When did we women become so critical of our peers and the dilemmas we all face at one time or another?  I have a hard time believing that so many of us are perfectly content with every aspect of their life but it is comments like these that stifle us into silence.

Some of us might have thought we knew what we were getting into when we married into the military or a family decision was made to join the expansive military family, but did we really understand the full scope of our future situations?  Sure we'd heard the propaganda (I love the Navy's "you'll see the world" motto) and perhaps through friends or family we even witnessed what it might be like first hand, but until we are walking in those shoes we really have no idea what it will be like. As try as we might, at the end of the day, our military member's job and commitment to service drives each and every decision we make as a family. As a military family sometimes you may be able to live in one location for an extended time while at other times you may be moving every two years.  If you are able to put down roots are you able to find a job if you want one?  Is that job in your career field or at a minimum satisfying? And what happens when your spouse gets orders to pick up and move across the country or halfway around the world? If you want to keep your family under one roof, you really don't have that option of keeping your job.  So you pack up and move to a new location and perhaps start that job search all over again.  Most likely you'll lose seniority and at a minimum start all over again with vesting into a retirement fund.  When your spouse is deployed for months at a time and you find yourself in the role of a single parent, are you still able to give your job your all?  Without anyone to share car pool duties, homework, and parent teacher conferences with, it is possible to commit to your paid job to the degree that is necessary?  This begs the question of whether it is even worth trying to work outside of home in the first place.  When does the juggling game just get to be too much?

When I met Glenn I had a fulfilling career. I worked, travelled, had plenty of friends, and essentially answered only to myself.  I recognized that moving thousands of miles away from my home and marrying him would mean giving up my upwardly mobile career.  I was OK with that, or so I told myself.  It wasn't easy essentially starting over in a new city where my education and previous professional experience was dismissed for a variety of local political reasons. Still I pushed on and slowly found my professional niche. And then in the same year I got pregnant and found out that we were moving to Albania.  Neither circumstance would allow me to continue my job but these life choices were the best ones for our growing family.  This decision was neither the first difficult one I had to make nor will it be the last one.

Personally, I love being a mom but I know that if I did not have a job to go to each day I would want to gouge my eyeballs out.  If there is one thing I've learned about myself during various transition periods when I've found myself not working is that I need significantly more intellectual stimulation than being at home all day affords me.  This isn't an insult against women (and men) who feel fulfilled with this life choice, but personally, it just isn't for me.  I know I am happier when I have that balance and a happier me makes for a happier family. Is the juggle aways easy?  Absolutely not.  There are days when I feel as though we would all be better off if I wasn't trying to do the daily juggle but in the long run I know it is this balance that actually keeps me sane. I also recognize that I am very fortunate to have the option of making the decision about what to do with my time.  If I wanted to stay home I could without it costing my family a financial sacrifice.

I know that working outside of the home is important to me and something I will always try my hardest to do. I also realize that it may not always be possible but like everything else in this transient military lifestyle, it is only temporary.  Eventually we will land back in the States and Glenn will someday retire from the Navy and we will be a civilian family.  We'll likely put down real roots and perhaps that is when I'll be able to settle into a lasting job.  I love what we are doing now but a part of me I truly look forward to that day. Glenn has alluded to my being able to resume my career and perhaps being the primary bread winner after he retires. As wonderful as this sounds to me, (it truly does), I need to be realistic.  With each passing month and year where I can't document meaningful employment on my resume, the possibility of my having a career oriented job fades. When I hear about the amazing careers and job promotions my college friends are experiencing, I feel a twinge of sadness knowing I will never have that.  Because it is so important to me, I know I will find meaningful work someday.  I won't be CEO but I will do something that matters to me and provides me with the intellectual stimulation I so crave.  Perhaps one day I will be the one telling Glenn that I have to work late, he needs to figure out the menu for the week, do the grocery shopping, and put dinner on the table.  (A girl can hope, right?).  Thinking about personal fulfillment and what gives me satisfaction doesn't make me less supportive of my husband and his career and it doesn't make me less of a mother.  I can dream about having it all (whatever that means), but in reality I do have it all because I'm making what I have work for me.

Coulda, woulda, shoulda? Nope, I wouldn't trade my decisions for anything.  Good, bad, or somewhere in between, all of them have help shaped me and my family into what and where we are today.

Beer, Chocolate, and Moules?

Anybody who lives the nomadic lifestyle of a military family knows the feeling; it seems as though you are in a constant state of flux with either planning your next move, settling into a new home, or enjoying a few carefree months before you start the process all over again.  Daily life is filled with unknowns that in many cases, you have very little control over and a change of some sort is continually on the horizon.  Sometimes that change is welcome; if you happen to find yourself in a city, country, or assignment you don't like, you know there is an end in sight.  On the flip side, if you are in a place you love, there is also an impending expiration date. With the Navy's "home porting" approach, it is possible for Navy families to stay put in one location for several consecutive assignments.  This was our situation in Norfolk where we owned a home and I held a steady job in my career field but then we got restless and wanted a change of scenery.  And when we implement a change, we go all out.  Within the span of fourteen months we moved from Norfolk to Washington D.C. and then to our current location in Tirana, Albania.  And now, once again, it is our turn to play the "where to next" game.

Albania has been a hard assignment for us.  As with any location, there are pros and cons, some people love it while others despise every moment of it, and yet others fall somewhere in between.  We are in that later category but believing life is what you make of it, we are taking full advantage of every opportunity that comes our way.  We've met some wonderful people and had amazing travel opportunities over the past two years but it hasn't always been easy.  We've suffered personal heartbreak while here (unrelated to being in Albania but we were here none the less so I will always associate these pains with Albania) and our exposure to Albanian government has shown us a side of the country that isn't always pretty.  Rather than tear us apart, these experiences have made us a stronger family and for that I am grateful.   Like I said, it hasn't been easy so yes, we are ready to move on.  While that move won't come for another ten months, we are beginning to look forward to whatever lies in our future.

So what do we want in our next posting?  Being overseas has given us the travel bug so we really want to remain abroad for another few years.  Unlike the Foreign Service and even the Army, overseas Navy billets aren't as plentiful as we would like and when you knock Japan off of the list (a place I want to visit but have no desire to live), the options are even more limited.  This is likely to be our last tour so a job that will make for an easier transition into civilian employment is important for Glenn.  Because Sidney will be entering school during our next tour, quality educational opportunities are a top priority for us.  We'd love for Sidney to become proficient in a third language and we really want to live in a community where we feel comfortable, fit in, and have friends.  The reality is that I am unlikely to find meaningful employment while overseas but I do want to be in a place where I have opportunities to volunteer and get involved in a positive way.  Other priorities for us include a good quality of life, real green space and infrastructure and after our time in Albania, I really really want to live in a place with safe public transportation and reliable electricity.  I don't think I'm asking too much..........

We've been on a yo-yo in the past few months trying to find a location that meets our criteria, Glenn is of the appropriate rank for, and whose timing works out for us.  Last month we thought we had found it and were happy with what the future held for us.  Call me a cynic, however, but I refused to get too excited about the prospect because in the Navy, orders really aren't a sure thing until you are in place at your next command.  I was doing my research but keeping an open mind for our "Plan B" which while less desirable, would have been a sure thing.  Semper Gumby, right?  Well it's a good thing because it looks like we're changing directions again and for once it really is for the better.  If all goes well, all of our criteria are going to be met, including that improbable job opportunity for me plus we'll be in a large international community with like minded people (something we want but didn't think was a real possibility). There is a light at the end of our tunnel and the old adage of good things happening to those who wait is coming true.  We are excited and feel confident that this is going to be a sure thing.  Well, as sure as life in the military can be.  Its too soon to start packing but planning, purging and language refreshers are underway.