Myth Busters

I hate stereotypes and stereotypes regarding gender roles really get me steamed. Before becoming a parent, I made myself a promise that I would raise my children, regardless of their sex, to not associate everything with a specific gender. I wanted them to see that both men and women can fulfill any role they set out to achieve. It sounds great, doesn't it? But then there is the reality and as of late, I have been forced to confront it head on.

Whether I like it or not I am surrounded by gender stereotypes on a daily basis. Living in an overseas military community the vast majority of the military members are men. They are the ones who get up, don a uniform and go to the office every morning. That leaves us trailing spouses, who are predominantly women, to get our children to school each morning, shop for groceries, care for the house and any deal with any other assorted issue that arises. What I consider to be antiquated roles are even more difficult to break out of since as a non-Belgian spouse, finding employment of any kind is next to impossible for me. I knew this coming here and (for the most part) have accepted it since I can see the bigger picture. But an impressionable four year old who sees the world in terms of black and white? He just doesn't interpret it in the same way.

Sidney notices everything that goes on around him and from his first day at school he started asking questions. The first was why there were only mommies dropping their kids off in the morning. (There are a few dads as well but not many). I explained that the daddies were at work so the moms did drop off in the morning. He nodded and didn't say much until the one morning when he noticed a dad dropping off a classmate. He quickly turned to me and announced that the child must not have a mother if his dad was bringing him to school. I quickly corrected him otherwise. But a few days later he announced that another classmate didn't have a father so his mother had to go to work. That lead to Sidney asking if I went to work. I explained that my job at the moment was taking care of him and his father. But even as the words rolled off of my tongue (and as I sit here typing this) I cringed a bit. Reality or not, it just sounds so antiquated and a throw back to another less liberated era. This Sidney took to heart since he started chattering about how my job was to take care of him. He extended this to food and cooking and reacted in horror when I suggested that perhaps his father could go to the store to shop or could even cook dinner. In his four year old world this violates his norm and he informed me that it simply wasn't possible for his father to perform those tasks. So much for my goal of raising a liberated son.

And these stereotypes continue and are reinforced by his surroundings. From toys ("boys play with cars, girls play with dolls") to choice of colors (pink is a "girl" color) my son is picking up on and verbalizing the very stereotypes I had hoped he would never experience. According to the all knowing four year old girls don't play baseball or football either. Boys grill since girls don't like fire just as they mow the lawn and girls sweep the kitchen. Just yesterday, after meeting Glenn for lunch, Sidney informed me that his father had to go to work to earn the money that his mommy spends. I can only surmise that he has picked up on these things at school since I know these words have never been uttered in our household. So what is a mom to do?

At the moment I counter his girls don't work statements with reminders that I did have a job outside of the home when we were in Albania and that when we return to America I will once again be working. Both concepts are a bit hard for him to grasp since his mind operates in the here and now. His one question was who will take care of him if I have a job so I reassure him that I can really do both. He seems skeptical. I remind him that Glenn cleans around the house just as much as I do and that he does all of the vacuuming. My son's smart response? Girls don't like the noise of the vacuum so boys have to do it. But I'm not completely without hope. Sidney does love to help me cook and even has his own play kitchen where he whips up pizza on a regular basis. He has recently become enamored with the movie Frozen (I know, its a sad day when I am relying on Disney princesses to break gender stereotypes). But he loves the music and readily watches what his classmates call a girl movie. He may be all rough and tumble but he recently converted an Easter basket into a purse (his words) since it is so much easier to carry his toys (matchbox cars) in a bag instead of his hands. (This is the European influence coming through). So all is not lost.....

Is this enough? Absolutely not. Is it a start? Maybe. But in reality I know this is going to be a life long struggle and all I can hope is that we model the right behavior at home and that someday it all clicks.

Monkey See, Monkey Do

I had always been told that parents are the greatest influence on their children and now that I'm seeing it in action on a daily basis, I'm realizing how true this statement really is.  What started with looks and mannerisms between Sidney and Glenn has progressed into talking, sighing, and body language at a whole new level.  And with more frequency, he is copying me as well.  It is uncanny, flattering, and scary all at the same time.

Throwing stones in tandem

From the first moments I laid eyes on Sidney I immediately saw that resembled Glenn in so many ways.  His dark blue eyes come from me, but everything else was all Glenn.  Sidney's newborn strawberry blond hair was the exact same shade and texture as Glenn's as were the exceptionally long eyelashes and even the crinkly curve on one ear.  While his hair has now lightened to a blond that resembles what my own hair was like at age three, his untamable cowlick is undeniably the same as his dad's. At a few days old when Sidney, still a tiny baby hooked up to numerous NICU monitors, rubbed his eyes with the knuckles of his curled fists, I almost fell over.  Glenn does the exact same thing---and I later noticed that Glenn's father has the same mannerism as well.  Sidney still does this, sometimes immediately after Glenn has but other times when Glenn is not even in the same room.  What is nurture, what is nature, what is genetics, and what is just unexplainable?

Decorating for Christmas; notice the identical hair

Toasting in Germany

Riding the rails; you can't see it but Glenn's right knee is also propped up

Waiting for a sausage lunch in Munich

Chilling together in Pristine

For some time now Sidney has been mimicking Glenn's physical actions and postures.  If Glenn is sitting in his chair with legs crossed Sidney does the same.  A deep sigh from dad is followed by a smaller sized deep sigh from Sidney.  Glenn's "hmmmmm, hmmmmmm," in response to something he likes, has now been transformed into a tiny version.  Sometimes I can see that these actions are deliberate, but other times it seems as though they occur unconsciously.  When faced with a new dinner item on his plate, Sidney looks to Glenn to see if he is eating it before taking the first tentative bite. If Glenn won't eat it, it doesn't go in Sidney's mouth either.  (I'm the least fussy eater in our house so why can't Sidney be taking his cues from me on this one?).

Pizza and the same lean in Prague

And yes, more pizza

Lately, Sidney has been copying me and it isn't in the best of ways.  Much to my delight, he loves to help me in the kitchen and even when he is using his own play kitchen,  from the tilt of the pan to the stir of the spoon, his actions are identical to mine.  That part is flattering, but others are less so.  In a country filled with dirt, dust, and too many inedible objects to count, my biggest struggle is to keep Sidney from putting things in his mouth.  Usually he is good, but early on I labeled off limit items as "nasty" or "icky" as a way of separating the good from the bad.  So what are my little boy's favorite phrases as of late?  Yes, you guessed it. Everything has become icky or nasty and much to my chagrin, these labels are not being used correctly.  In fact, they are never used correctly.  I never realized how much I used these phrases until I started to hear them come from Sidney's mouth on a daily basis.  I've always tried to watch what I say but now more than ever, I find myself choosing my words very carefully.  You never know when little ears are listening or eyes are watching.  Our children are sponges and absorb everything they see and hear.  As parents, it is our responsibility to be positive role models.  It isn't easy and it is certainly the hardest task I have ever faced.